I know, I know. Other people's dreams are the most boring thing in the world to listen to. Still, though . . . 🙀

An Indian (India — sorry, Bharat — not Indigenous North American) lady and I are looking out a high window (maybe 10th floor?) in the outer wall of an office building. A small (maybe a foot tall) but perfectly formed Indian (Indigenous North American, not India/Bharat) pulls himself up onto the ledge just beyond the glass and crouches with his bow at the ready. He startles, sprints and jumps, and is gone from view.

I, of course, freak out: "Did you see that?! What the hell? Did you see that?! I mean, G_ddamn! What the hell?!" And, you know, I'm running back and forth and throwing my arms around and stuff. The Indian/Bharatian(?) lady grabs my shirtfront, pulls me in close, and making direct eye contact, places her fingers across her lips in the international sign language for "Ssshh! Be quiet!"

Then she pointed back to the window and I saw the head and face of a bear — who was looking directly at us. As I'm trying to process the ageless stare of the bear, it reaches up with its left paw and swipes the window open in one smooth motion. Then it began to climb through …

I turned and ran from the office into the hallway, yelling my head off, "Bear! Bear! Bear! Bear! There's a bear loose on the floor!"

I ran my azz to a bank of elevators and hustled myself inside. I held the doors open with one arm and motioned for the people outside to get their azzes inside as I yelled, "C'mon! C'mon! There's a bear loose on the floor. Save yourselves!"

But the people froze. They hadn't seen the bear lift itself through the window. Their main concern was why I was freaking out so much. So, I thought, "to hell with this" and started pounding a button on the panel. I had intended to go to ground where I could haul ass out of the building, but I mistakenly requested to go UP. MF-ing-rooster-sucking-son-of-a-she-dog! After reaching the top floor, I began punching the G button and guess what? On the way back down, I stopped at the floor from which I had just ascended and was met by a crush of people who had by now seen the bear and were yelling and pushing, desperate to get inside the elevator car. Sweet, pink, baby Lord!

When we were released on the ground floor, we all went running for our lives. But a hand grabbed me and halted my flight. It was the Indian/Bharatian(?) Lady. "I'm out of here!" I gasped.

"No," she said, "someone wants to talk to you."

I met an extremely obese — but well-dressed — woman who said, "Listen to me. You're safe. The bear has been isolated on the floor where it entered. The people there are behind locked doors. It may have gotten a few, but the situation is now under control. Bear experts are on their way. They're going to dart the thing and remove it. They aren't afraid of it."

"Really? That's great. But there was also this little Indigenous North American guy and —"

"That doesn't make any difference. As the person who raised the alarm, we'd like you to help us."

"I ran for my life," I said.

"Sure, but you happen to be the zero-point for the bear. And now we need to collect information on the people who were here. We would like you to hand out these cards and encourage people to fill them out. Don't talk to people about the diminutive indigenous North American fellow, though."

It was terrible. Everyone had just been through a strange crisis and to say that there was push-back against the cards? Well, that's an understatement. People had tons of questions about why they should fill out a questionnaire. People filled in silliness. People gave in cards that had been soaked in the beverages that had been provided. People went out of their way to make the whole thing difficult. "This sucks donkey nuts," I thought.

I woke up with tons of ill-defined emotion coursing through my chest. I felt my heart pounding out a worrisome rhythm. The cat had been sleeping next to me and I placed my hand against her side and said, "Kitten, I'm sorry if I have a heart attack." Then I went to take a fat piss and found a huge water bug swimming in the toilet. I didn't pee on the critter. I flushed the toilet and then pissed like a racehorse. It is difficult to communicate how all of this was as harrowing as it was.