First things first:

If you loathe All Things McDonald's, I suggest you do your own research on that delicious — and not completely unhealthy! — Egg McMuffin.

The World-Famous Egg McMuffin is: a muffin, a pat of butter, a REAL EGG cracked into an egg ring on the griddle, a thin slice of Canadian Bacon (breakfast ham), and a small slice of cheese. This simple sandwich comes in at 300 calories. Doctors, Nutritionists, Health Nuts, Chicks, etc. all agree that if you must eat breakfast at a fastfood joint, the Egg McMuffin is the Way To Go.

Is it healthier than a fistful of arugula stuffed down your throat with a couple of ounces of pure spring water? No. But compared to the absolute crap you usually eat? Not bad; not bad at all.

Listen to me: little, pregnant [NAME] is downright paranoid about what it eats. It is in Ultimate Chick Mode and considers the impact on the fetus of anything it puts in its mouth. That's why it resisted the McDonald's for so long. (That and it just doesn't trust fastfood.) I repeatedly tried to explain to it that the Egg McMuffin is a straight-shooter, but it resisted all my attempts to defend that Egg McMuffin. Finally, I just bought it one, set it in front of her, opened the paper, opened the sandwich, and SHOWED her there was nothing to fear. "Real Egg," I said. "That's a Real Egg. Not the scrambled 'egg' crap from a plastic tube that McDonald's serves in all their other eggy offerings."

It examined it and could find no fault and then, holding it in both hands, nibbled away at it like a fvcking squirrel. (I love to watch [NAME] eat. [NAME2] does, too. [NAME]'s hamster-like style of eating is endearing. Just take my word for it.)

Later she came to me and smiling rubbed the featus in her belly and said, "Joe-ee. Egg McMuffin is *good*. Baby likes the Egg McMuffin."

And now? Hell, she requests that Egg McMuffin when I pop across the way for an Egg McMuffin of my own. One time when the McDonald's lobby was closed, she even DoorDashed an Egg McMuffin.

So add pregant Cubans to the list of people who admit that there ain't nothing scary about the Egg McMuffin!

Today I walked over to the McDonald's for one of those beneficient Egg McMuffins and got socked right in the eye by a new menu item: the Jalapeno Egg McMuffin! Of course I tried it — AND IT WAS DELICIOUS. Who knew that the thing that the venerable Egg McMuffin has been missing for thirty-something years was jalapeno peppers? I hate to tell you this, but McDonald's did.

Anyway, if you ever find yourself in a breakfast jam and are forced to chow down on some garbage from McDonald's, give that Jalapeno Egg McMuffin an HONEST try. I promise that you will be happily surprised.

Or don't try it. Neither myself nor McDonald's will ever care if you abstain from the palm-sized goodness that is the Egg McMuffin.

YOU'RE WELCOME!

(Christ Almighty, despair is a sin.)